Back in the world of the living, I seem to spend a good bit of my time watching the world roll by like a bored kid in the backseat on a long road trip. Days click by like so many telephone posts along the roadside, a quick dark moment breaking up the monotony of the long dried fields behind them.
It's remarkable how well that analogy actually works. I remember being that kid in the backseat, my chin resting on the top of the door while my nose left a distinct smudge on the window. Sometimes beyond the telephone posts there would be a house. I'd train my eyes on every detail I could, trying to put together an idea of what kind of people lived there...what their story was. The brain works quickly, which is good if you're trying to take in every car, the color of the curtains, and the condition of the roof as you're going 70+ mph down the highway.
I say the analogy works because my days are like that monotonous drive, and when a day is different it's much like one of those rare houses. I drink in the detail like a dry sponge. Which is painful, really. I remember smearing my nose across the glass trying to keep those houses in sight as long as I could, and then I'd sigh and go back to center...watching the telephone posts.
When I know something different is coming it's terrifying, while it goes on I usually have a great time (or at least handle myself like a normal human without much...if any...effort), and when it's gone...as I start to dry out again I sink in on myself.
Have you ever purchased a sponge that's pre-moistened? They do that so it won't look pathetic and unattractive, btw. So you take it home and use it. It works great. In the first couple of uses the odd mildly bubbly stuff they use to keep it puffy in the package washes out. Let's say this is a kitchen sponge, so it gets a good bit of use. The first week or so it doesn't ever really dry out. Then something happens and it sits for a couple of days on the edge of the sink. When you come back to it the center, where it's been squeezed out so many times, is nearly flat and the ends curl up slightly...and the whole thing is sort of crusty and brittle. Then you chuck it into the dish-water and after a few minutes it's reformed, but it's puffier than before. It's left to dry out a couple more times over the next month, and each time it's rehydrated the spaces designed to hold water are weaker. It starts to fray a bit, right along the edges and eventually it begins to tear. I'm betting you see my point. Sucks being a sponge. ;)
This weekend we'll have people to the house. I love people, I love entertaining...I'm damn good at it. Problem is, I've already started to tear a bit, and the anticipation of being rehydrated keeps sending me into blind panic. Litterally blind, I see big patches of white, my mouth tastes like I've been chewing aluminum foil, and I shake. Granted I shake nearly all the time now. Xanex doesn't stop the shaking, it helps the terror, but not the shaking. So, not exactly against Dr.'s orders, I've gone back to my old friend Klonopin when I start looking like a frigging parkenson's patient. As it is I can't eat in public anymore, I can't trust my hands not to start shaking badly enough to land whatever was meant for my mouth in my lap.
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