Blessings

Tonight he looked at me, brown eyes bright, his lips hinting at a gentle smile. I smiled back, though I lowered my eyes. It was almost too much to look up into his face, knowing how he saw me. My hair disheveled, a great lump of blue paint dead in the center causing it to stand up in a do only previously imagined by overly serious young European designers and Dr. Seuss. No make-up to hide the increasingly noticeable blemish on my chin, and my unshaven legs just visible as my bathrobe covered my lap where my legs were neatly tucked up. I sneezed, hugging the box of tissues to me and giving an almost comedic groan and glances up at him again. He stood there, his expression only changed by a more visible smile.

Lightly hooking his fingers under my chin, he prevented me from looking away. I smiled back, what else could I do? "You are so beautiful" he says, and means it. My body responds with the sudden need to loudly blow my nose, which I try to do as demurely as possible...to no avail. I roll my eyes in the universal "you're nuts or completely full of it" look, and turn back to my computer screen. His light touch on the blue spot on my hair and I hear him laugh quietly. "You are, you know" I ignore him. He leans over the back of my chair and hugs me, kisses my neck, whispers tender sweet words in my ear and I try not to lose my resolve to be stubborn in my sense of reality.

I look to him again, a trained bemused look that I know he knows well and his eyes meet mine. For the millionth time I'm reminded of describing him to a friend after we first met and telling her his eyes were the most amazing blue. They aren't they are deep brown flecked with gold and hints of green around the pupils, but back then I couldn't imagine brown eyes that could hold me motionless, like they do now. I give up, give in, drop the barrier I was weaving with my own doubts, internal tapes, and sense of what I really look like and just look to him.

He leans down and kisses me sweetly and again whispers that I am beautiful, and I tell him I love him though, as they so often do, the words seem inadequate to express everything I feel for him.

Later, children settled, we go to bed. Curled in our accustomed spots within each other, feet tangled together loosely as we do our version of 'spooning'. We discuss the children, go over little moments we've each had with them over the day and laugh wonderfully together at the wonder of children. We decide to keep them home one more day, they still have fevers, though it's clear they are getting better. We talk about house work, hobbies, politics, the dogs, money...laughing often at silly moments or pie-in-the-sky thoughts. My back to him, I can hear him fading, the occasional smart ass comment sending me into almost startled laughter all over again. And then, his breathing slows and his weight against me increases and I know he has fallen asleep with a smile playing on his lips.

I lay there, our fingers laced together on my stomach, and wonder at the beauty that is my marriage and give thanks to God for the millionth time for the blessing that is my husband. My mind drifts near sleep, fantasies of little things I could do to make him happy flicker by until I find I am paying more and more attention to them and I am no longer edging on sleep. Mildly frustrated I lay there and listen to him breathe, feeling each exhale on the back of my neck. I wonder if he's getting enough air and assume he must be.

Slowly my fantasies of finding a more equal place in this partnership lead to the insomnia driven whispers of self-doubt and eventually to my own mental floggings. Unable to still the nagging feeling of being somehow unworthy of this beautiful man, this gift from God in my life, I disentangle myself, kissing his fingers lightly as I slip from the bed and find myself here, up again. He said he would wait for me right there so I could just slip back into what we call "my spot", and I think enough time has passed. My eyes are closing and my hands have that odd dull ache that is only soothed by touching him. It must be time to go back to bed, and again, give thanks for what is truly a Blessing.